How Many Cups #13: Student Tries To Kill His Teacher, Teacher Becomes Infamous Civil War General
making me think twice about issuing my next detention
You Can Drag This Into Two Sips
Yes, we should hate General Stonewall Jackson. The same way Columbus knew it was wrong to chop off the hands of adolescent teens who failed to bring him enough gold, Southerners knew that slavery was unethical. It is why they went to such lengths to justify their actions. Let’s not overthink this.
Nevertheless, Jackson almost embodied the American Dream. An autodidact with a penchant for timely courage, Jackson hurled himself of the ranks of the military with a vigor unknown to someone growing up in such poverty. But Stonewall Jackson almost never survived to receive his Civil War Infamy.
His students at the Virginia Military Institute tried to murder him.
Before Jackson Was A General
Responsible for teaching hormonal, gun-crazy males everything from physics to acoustics, mechanics to astronomy, Jackson faced a remarkably tough challenge. It didn’t help that he was a terrible educator, often times memorizing lectures in their entirety and pulling in students from the previous class to correct him when one lecture deviated from the previous one.
Indeed, Francis Smith, the superintendent of VMI during Jackson’s tenure, once remarked on the future general’s teaching pedigree:
"As Professor of Natural and Experimental Philosophy, Major Jackson was not a success. He had not the qualifications needed for so important a chair. He was no teacher, and he lacked the tact required in getting along with his classes....His genius was in the Science and Art of War. He found a field for the display of this genius when the war opened in 1861."
In a country bubbling with a fissiparous energy regarding the future of slavery, students found themselves bonding together over Jackson’s ability. I’m not gonna lie, the pranks they pulled (well, most of them) sound right out of my own playbook.
Removing the lynchpin from cannons so that they would roll down the hill whenever he attempted to fire them during training
Spinning the cannon in Jackson’s direction to scare the shit out of him
Shooting spitballs at him
Making stupid teenage boy noises whenever Jackson had his backed turn to them.
But When Pranks Weren’t Enough
So naturally, one turns to murder.
Tucked away with an impressive amount of linguistic nonchalantness, a list of pranks pulled on Jackson features this little gem from the VMI website: “dropping a brick as he (Jackson) passed underneath a barracks window.”
Wait…what?! Some cadet tried to go full Looney-Tunes on Stonewall and turn his brain into mashed potatoes. To boot, some claim that this brick was dropped from a third story window and just barely missed Jackson’ skull, skimming his hat as it fell harmlessly to the ground. One of History’s most infamous generals and a fearless one at that - responsible for the deaths of an untold amount of Union soldiers - came inches away from being pancaked into the earth.
D.H Hill, another Civil War veteran who doubled as Jackson’s brother-in-law, claimed that Jackson’s “escape was almost miraculous.” What’s more, the prankster potential murderer was never caught. Try to imagine coming to class the next day, prepared with a lecture on the orbital tendencies of cannonade, knowing that your assassin is somewhere in there, taking notes in the back row while plotting his next move.