How Many Cups 37: Kennedy Month - Christ Hates Fidel Castro
some anti-Cuban secret missions you never heard of
A Bourbon In The Oval
During the early 2000s, my cousins and I would religiously watch Jackass. Once our parents wised up to the show’s content, we were promptly booted out of the living room and instructed to go play outside. Little did they know that we were going to simply reenact the debauchery just watched.
It took about eight minutes for us to realize that the stunts schemed up by Johnny Knoxville and co were unrealistic. Unachievable. Downright foolish. During the Kennedy Administration, the CIA had no concept of the impossible, and they likely would have called upon the Jackass crew to brainstorm some imaginative ways to take out Fidel Castro.
"During this period there were also discussions about booby-trapping a spectacular seashell, which would be submerged in an area where Castro often skin dived."
- CIA operative, Richard B. Cheney Files
Researching this was the first time I had read the phrase “midget submarine.” Indeed, the CIA had toyed with the idea of killing Fidel Castro with a seashell, not sold by Sally but unquestionably by the seashore.
Apparently, Castro had a passion for scuba diving; a piece of intel believable because, well, who would not want to mindlessly explore the Caribbean? From such information came two “hairbrained” assassination concepts.
Firstly, the CIA thought of engineering a seashell that would contain an explosive underneath it. But, there were obstacles in the way. Primarily, how could these spies guarantees that Castro, while exploring the largest unexplored areas sans outer space, would land upon the desired shell? How could they guarantee that it wasn’t some poor tourist who would lift up the shell and then be blown straight out of the water - which is by itself a morbidly funny thought to imagine.
Second, the intelligence agency considered lining the inside of his diving suit with a “fungus producing madera foot.” Known as Eumycetoma, the fungus isn’t even likely to kill its host, for starters. Additionally, General Donovan, who was the operative in charge of okaying the mission, had once personally gifted Fidel a diving suit, leading him to can the idea based on some sentimental considerations.
“The gangsters may have had some influence on a choice of a means of assassination.”
- CIA operative
Johnny Roselli was struggling to make money from his ice cream business in Las Vegas. How someone fails to earn a living selling cold treats in a dessert is beyond me, but I’m a school teacher, not a business professor.
What I do know, however, is that $150,000 is a large sum of money, especially during the 1960s. Roselli, the infamous gangster, was drawn into helping the CIA assassinate Castro with this lump sum payment.
Roselli was not the only mob man involved. Sam Giancana, who has been confirmed as sharing a mistress with President Kennedy, got into the mix as well. Quick aside: the famed journalist Seymour Hersh contends that Giancana had worked with the Kennedy patriarch to throw Illinois in JFK’s direction during the election of 1960, leading many to believe that the gangster set up Kennedy’s murder as an act of revenge when Bobby began going after the mafia as Attorney General.
The pair was going to work together to introduce Castro to some other mob figures. Roselli and Giancana had the cache to organize such a meeting, considering both has fingers in Cuba’s casino business pie. Once the meeting was conducted, the outsourced agents would slip a poison pill into Castro’s drink or food and then wait for him to succumb. But, after testing the pills on literal guinea pigs, they proved ineffective and the plan was squashed.
“Christ would not like Castro.”
- Laurence Leamer
Christ, indeed, may not have liked Castro, but that’s not for me to decide. The CIA, however, wanted to local Cuban population to decide that, especially when noting that they were overwhelmingly Roman Catholic.
General Edward Lansdale was more than a pioneer in psychological warfare. He was the genius behind a particular form of such warfare, one involving none other than Jesus Christ himself.
Designed to bring transparency to decades of government abuse concerning spyfare, the Senate’s Church Committee looked into assassination plots against Castro’s life. They learned of a “wonderful plan to get rid” of the communist leader. It involved a lightshow, American submarine and starshells.
First, local agents would be hired in Cuba to spread word that not only was the second coming of Christ on the way, but he would be denouncing Castro. Then, on All Saints Day, the submarine would appear “just over the horizon” and send up a beautiful, entrancing lightshow. The Cuban populace would have no choice but to believe that Christ himself had come to save them from the dictator and overthrowing him would require their help.