How Many Cups 41: What Happened To The Badass President?
of course, more words on Honest Abe
“When we land in Italy, don’t say a word about being a dual-citizen. The could legally try and keep you here, the government had a mandatory military service policy when you turn 18.” - Ms. Martha
During my senior year of high school I had the opportunity of a lifetime - to go to Italy! It would be my second time, and no, I will no go back and rewrite the contradictory preceding sentence.
In fact, if the Italian government uncovered that I was a citizen then I could be in jeopardy of violating their mandatory service law. I’d have to remain somewhere along the Mediterranean, learning the language enough to make jokes about olive oil being packed into supply rations. I imagined Italian rifles were stuffed with ziti and every time you pull the trigger a mechanism vocalizes some slur about AC Milan’s new center midfielder.
And even though I knew that the American Consulate would never let a citizen be swept away by another country’s army, the idea of getting shipped to bootcamp was enough to freak me out. It was not, however, frightening enough to pacify the burning desire to shimmy comfortably next to danger; a ritual every adolescent male endures.
So, whenever I saw some paesan in uniform, especially if they were standing guard outside of some government building, I’d make a show of it. One time I paraded past them, basically singing “catch me if you can, Spaghetti Man!” Another time I dipped my toe, quite literally, into some nondescript bureaucratic building, and then sprinted away.
I was a badass if you didn’t consider anything else about me at all. I was not, in the famed words of Charlie Murphy, as badass as other “habitual linesteppers.” Naturally, given my borderline homoerotic obsession with Abe Lincoln, I compared myself to a moment when the nation’s 16th president actually did taunt the enemy in-person.
“…the professional soldiers in General Wool’s command advised that it was impossible to land troops anywhere near Norfolk.” - Historian David Donald
Like my opinions on mandatory service, well documented is Lincoln’s distrust and dissatisfaction with his Union Generals. I once asked a mentor at my job why he ran through some many of them. Mr. Holme’s response: “Lincoln thought of generals the way we think of relief pitchers. If one isn’t getting the job done you switch to another.” The top brass of the Union army lacked either the requisite know-how or gumption to defeat the Confederacy.
Lincoln decided to take matters into his own hands. As multiple historians have confirmed, he spent countless hours reading everything possible about military strategy. When this proved too little, he figured he could find what he needed with actual battle experience.
Hence, in 1862 with the war in full throttle, Lincoln commandeered a cutter belonging to the Treasury Department and cruised down the Potomac to Fort Monroe, where General Wool was awaiting his arrival. Once informed that General McClellan would not be joining them, Lincoln grew frustrated and shifted aims towards liberating Norfolk. Cabinet member (and sometimes rival) Samuel Chase volunteered to take the cutter, the Miami, and head down to the shoals himself.
Chases reported back to Lincoln, suggesting that a landing and therefore a siege on the enemy was possible. But Lincoln had to see for himself. Under a brightly lit moon, they headed back towards Norfolk.
“Your little army, derided for its want of arms, derided for its lack of all the essential material of war, has met the grand army of the enemy, routed it at every point, and now it flies, inglorious in retreat before our victorious columns. We have taught them a lesson in their invasion of the sacred soil of Virginia.” - Confederacy President Jefferson Davis
The term “sacred soil” does much to remind us that the Civil War, though surely founded on the status of slavery, had other cultural roots too. Southerners perceived their land as belonging to them spiritually - handed down by God along with an imperative to rule. Because it was all they had and possessed an alleged divine genesis, their land had to be defended to the death.
Lincoln showed the South exactly what he thought of their “sacred soil.” Once Chase got close enough to the shoals, Lincoln, against the advice of just about every living advisor, got out of the boat. His goal? Not to ascertain even more military intelligence. Not to stretch his long legs, No, his goal was to taunt the enemy.
Historian David Donald reports how Lincoln “strolled up and down the beach,” so close to the enemy that Chase has to aim their boat’s cannons at the enemy’s forts. Under the moonlight and within feet of the South, Lincoln calmly danced upon the sands without a single fear of being captured or killed, making my foray into Italian provocation seem rather lame.
Once satisfied, he returned to the boat and eventually camp, where plans were switched. Due to Lincoln’s testicular fortitude, Norfolk had been liberated. Contemporaries noted how Lincoln chose not to participate in the attack himself, implying that he was considering it. It would not be the last brush with death Lincoln had.
“The Confederates drove in the Union pickets and came within 150 yards of the fort.” - David Donald
Fast forward some many months, and Abe was at it again. This time, he made his way down from the White House and into Fort Stevens, also located in Washington. The enemy was not only this close the president, but to likely winning the war as well.
Obviously, Lincoln should have been evacuated and hidden away somewhere. Instead, he managed to get closer to the battle. When the assault on Fort Stevens started, he simply strode up to the parapet, undeterred by bullets whizzing past him. A field glass was borrowed from a signal officer, as to give the president a clearer glimpse into the day’s events.
Many at the fort recalled how both Lincoln’s height and famous stovepipe hat were easily visible to the enemy, who were less than two football fields away. Officers harassed Lincoln to step away from the exposed parapet and back into safety. Enemy sharpshooters were taking their shots at the president, but he showed no concern.
Eventually, a man near Lincoln was hit in the leg with an enemy bullet, prompting a fellow officer to get stern with the president. Sensing that the calls to return to safety would not stop, Lincoln very calmly lowered himself off of the exposed section of the fort and headed towards his carriage. Along the way he stopped to talk to his soldiers.
The following day Lincoln did more of the same. This time it took a doctor getting shot for him to agree that standing in front of the parapet was an awful idea. Still, it birthed one of the greatest quotes on Lincoln imaginable, this time from General Horatio Wright: “The absurdity of the idea of sending off the President under guard seemed to amuse him.”
No, Lincoln did not fear the enemy, let alone death. As much as he was allowed, he would lead from the front - a lesson we could all use today. I keep a statue of Abe on a table of mine, right underneath an absurd photo of my cousin Teddy. It reminds me to be silly yet courageous when the time calls for it.
